Fight With Your Therapist
Peacekeeping and peacemaking are similar sounding concepts but have very different applications and experiences. Peacekeeping can take several forms, one to use power or force to compel a certain type of behavior in pursuit of a desired outcome. An example might be a parent who yells, shames, or scolds a child into compliance. It is often marked by a lack of curiosity for the other. Another form of peacekeeping is to suppress or avoid one’s or other’s experience to keep the status quo. The “don’t upset the apple cart” approach which isn’t really a peace but more an absence of observable conflict. One might ignore the behaviors of others or one’s own experience or comfort level because it “isn’t worth it” to deal with. In other words, one person holds all the tension indefinitely. Either way, peacekeeping is marked by an absence of authentic encounter by one or both parties. There are times where peacekeeping may be needed, but I fear we rely too much on this way of being in the world.
Peacemaking, on the other hand, is often a bit more nuanced and messy. This requires vulnerability, for one to “show up” and make themselves known as they actually are and to seek and invite the vulnerability for the other to do the same. This often exposes conflict or discomfort but it is marked by a willingness to engage in the hopes of transcending the status quo and to encounter the other authentically. It is often more of an approach marked by curiosity, a radical openness to the other, and to hopefully impact with a willingness to be impacted by the other. Peacemaking is marked by a willingness to step into the messiness and the tension of the conflict that is present, to “work it through” and to not abandon but to find without giving into the need to align. It is the opening up and inviting both into tension which often gives way to a new (or third) thing. This “new third” is often the space where we are touched and can therefore find healing, growth, and transformation. Where we transcend into an earned peace.
Therapy is effective because we can’t fully know ourselves or work through our wounds in solitude or isolation. Humans need authentic relationships to heal and grow, you can only go so far on your own. But we often fool ourselves and engage in relationships that are less than authentic, that keep us hidden or isolated from each other. We do this because, as David Whyte said, “...when you’re visible, you can be seen; and when you can be seen, you can be touched; and when you can be touched, you can be hurt.” When we stay hidden, it’s harder to be hurt, but healing is initiated by being touched. This is why I think peacemaking is so much more helpful than peacekeeping.
Therapy should be marked by a peacemaking style of relating to the other. Research continually shows that the hallmark to effective therapy is a good relationship. What we mean by “a good relationship” is not just that the two individuals get along and enjoy one another, but rather that the two individuals learn to truly show up, practice radical openness, and compassionate authenticity. Namely, they talk about what is true, especially when it is difficult or risky, without the threat of abandonment. They step into the tension with one another and allow that “new third” to emerge. If therapy stays in peacekeeping mode, nothing changes, you just keep repeating the same patterns. So, take the risk. Fight with your therapist, show up, say what’s true, invite the tension and explore what’s wanting to emerge from it. It’s almost always less scary than what we tell ourselves it will be.
For example, it is not uncommon for a person in therapy or the therapist to have positive or difficult feelings or experiences of the other. In good therapy, we find a way to invite one another into talking about that and work it through to find one another. This isn’t a pointless exercise, it can literally heal and transform one’s life to truly be who they are. To truly find themselves in relationship to another and to build the resilience and capacity to be that person more often and more fully in the world.
So, whatever you’re feeling in therapy, talk about it. Do you feel annoyed or irritated with your therapist? Do you feel a strong urge to impress them or “do therapy right”? Is your therapist not quite getting what you’re saying? Do you feel like they are not paying attention to you? Say it! Fight with your therapist and wrestle through the uncomfortable and difficult things that are tugging at the edge of your awareness. Work it through so you can know what it is like to be your true authentic self and take that into the world. Likewise, your therapist should be willing to invite you into their difficult experiences and thoughts about the dynamic with you as well. Showing up for yourself and the other in this way is walking down the path towards authenticity, resilience, healing, and growth.